A rough day

My plan today was to get the MAYSIs done (assessments to determine AOD, anger, depression, and such problems) and lock myself in my office to catch up on paperwork.  That didn't happen.  I only got 1 hour of catching up done.  B4, a very emotional child, needed attention as he always does.  At least there was no crying today.  (I don't deal well with crying.)  And I think he only apologized about three times today (MUCH less than normal--the apologizing really gets on your nerves he does it so much).  Today was day 84 for him, so he has been wearing on me.  I really wish he was not on B pod, just so he didn't have the urge to come in my office every time he noticed I was there.  I just can't tell them "no."  It is a goal of mine to say it more.  

A10, a GED youth, went to court today.  He has been in for almost 300 days.  He finally got permed.  He got 4 years, 3 years mandatory but already has close to a year served.  He is a really good kid.  He is always respectful to staff as well as his parents every time I get him to call home.  He is honest and hard working.  (Yes, honest.  He may be a criminal, but at least he is an honest criminal.  His big concern the last month has been that his mom would try to cover for him to get him off.  He kept telling her to tell the truth.  He understood what it meant, but he didn't want any lies.)  I spent some time talking to him when he came back from court.  His sister had called me to see what had happened so that was my excuse to get out of the room before I started crying myself.  But that did not good, I was close to tears again when I called her back and told her the results and update her on how he was doing.  

C8 is not coping too well.  He is also one of my GED kids.  He's been in the class since February.  He is about to have his 2nd bday since being locked up.  Then he goes to court week after next.  He is giving up and I don't know how much longer he can hold up.  Being with 11 other boys day in and day out is getting to him and it is getting harder and harder for him to keep from fighting.  I really hope he can get through the weekend without fighting.

Some Background

I have worked in juvie for about 5 years.  I am currently working as a case manager on a male unit.  A unit in our facility consists of 4 pods.  A pod is 12 cells (bed, toilet, and sink) and a common area.  Each pod has 12 kids.  On my unit, there is one pod for the "little boys."  These are kids ages 14 and under.  Most of my other boys are probable cause kids.  Probably cause means they are facing bindover.  If they are bound over [to the adult system], they will be tried as an adult.  Many of my kids end up being bound over or permed.  If they are permed, this means they go to the Department of Youth Services--"kiddie prison."    

My office is on a pod and I share a wall with one of the showers.  There are advantages and disadvantages of being officed here--Advantage:  I have quick access to the kids and they have quick access to me;  Disadvantage:  I have quick access to the kids and they have quick access to me.  

My primary duty as a case manager in this particular facility is to dial the phone [I assist/supervise them in using the phone to contact their attorneys, case workers, POs, etc.]--ya, a monkey could do it.  BUT, I try to be a little more caring than the common monkey.  I spend time with my kids and I care about them.  If they need me, I am there.  My other and most loved function is as the GED teacher.  I carried this duty over from my last position--Activity/Programming Coordinator.  It was my prerequisite for taking this job.  I started the class and I wasn't giving it up.  At one point, I had to fight for it--but I won........but that is a whole other story.

Why blog?  I decided to start this blog as a coping mechanism.  I love my job.  I want to be home with my biological children as a full-time mom.  We can't financially afford for me to quit.  I am not sure I could mentally give up my job.  I didn't think I would ever want to be a SAHM, but now I want to soooo bad.  I began working when our oldest was five months old.  I would have been working sooner, but it was a bad delivery and frankly, there were no jobs.  I went out on maternity leave 2 weeks before I had our second daughter (yes, we have ALL girls--no wonder I refuse to work with girls and insist on keeping my boys at work).  I went out 2 weeks prior because I went into labor at work at 31 weeks and I was put on bedrest.  I managed to stay pregnant for two more weeks before delivering.  She was in the hospital two weeks then I was home with her for 4 weeks.  I was fine going back to work.  With #3, it was different.  I went to 30 hours/week at 34 weeks.  I had been contracting since 18 weeks.  At 36 weeks, I went into labor while at work.  I delivered and she was in the NICU for two weeks.  I was able to stay out another 9 weeks after she came home.  It killed me to go back to work.  I was crying just as much as my 2 year old who crawled back to the car from the sitters porch as I got her sisters inside.  I have been back for almost 5 months and I no longer cry on the way to work or throughout the day, but I still would really like to be home with my girls.  At the same time, I love working with my boys.  I love working with them so much that I tend to get too attached, especially my GED kids.  I cry when they leave (I try not to do so in front of anyone).  I miss them when they are gone.  I need a way to deal with it, so hopefully this is it.  When most people see one of "my" kids, they see a criminal.  When I see them, I see children who made mistakes.  Children who can be rehabilitated.  Children I can help.  Children who have a hope. Children who have a future.  My husband is one of those who sees a criminal, so he cannot be my outlet.  I try to separate work and family, so I don't really socialize with coworkers, so they cannot be my outlet.  You are my outlet.

My goal--to positively affect the life of one juvenile.  To have one youth come back and say "thank you."  It is my theory that if you reach one youth, you have done your job.  BTW, we cannot have contact with the kids once they leave.  I do things by the book, so I don't seek or ask for contact, no matter how much I may want to.  No matter how great my desire to know that they are okay once they are out of my sight.  No matter how great my desire to know that they are still alive.